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The Truth is Right Here - Supernatural/Stargate SG-1 - One-shot, Humor

bpse ban1a

Title: The Truth is Right Here

Rating: PG-13

Genre: Humor, Crossover

Characters: Sam, Dean, Teal'c, Dr. Jackson

Wordcount: 2100

Warnings/Spoilers: For SPN setting is sometime, vaguely, in the later seasons, but refers to events in up to season 6. For SG-1, the setting is just as vague ;)

Summary: Sometimes Sam and Dean are awed by the sheer number of weird crap that exists (and that they've killed), and sometimes their Greatest Hits list bleeds into their dinner conversations. Rarely, though, do strange (and obviously non-human) men stop in to comment on those discussions. Slight crossover with SG-1.

A/N: Written for the spn_bigpretzel Spring Exchange for the lovely and always awesome auntmo9. Hope you enjoy!


"Sam, are you really going to sit there and tell me you knew all along that angels existed?"

Sam's mouth gaped open in shock, and Dean would have pointed out the chunk of lettuce in his teeth if his brother hadn't let out something resembling a growl wrapped in a sigh and chased out by a hiss.

"Are you kidding me right now?" Sam snapped. "I was the one who believed all along. I told you they were real! No, I didn't know they were douchebags, but I believed in their existence. You didn't."

"You 'believing' doesn't count. You didn't actually think Angel-Angels existed. Minus that one time you did, which, by the way, you were wrong then, so it doesn't count."

"Nice example of selective memory, Dean."

"I don't even know what that means."

"You know that I've believed in God since we were kids."

"God doesn't equal angels, Sam. And, even if you had believed in them, it doesn't count because you didn't say you knew they existed, so you can't go around saying that 'you called it' if you never actually called it."

" 'Called it'? Seriously?" Sam's nostrils flared in anger but he held in whatever else he was about to say when their waitress stopped in to drop off their meals. And, in Dean's case, his dessert as well. ("Sammy, if Death taught us anything, it was to eat the fried apple pie first, because he's always just around the corner." "Dean, if Death taught you anything, it should have been how to lose his number.") When she was past their table, Sam leaned forward, whispering, "And I did call it!"

Dean rolled his eyes, shoveling a few cheddar-covered fries into his mouth, but he was only half-listening to Sam, his attention on the reflection off the metallic siding of the counter across from them. Specifically the reflection of a strange man watching them.

"Sure you did," he muttered, pretending not to notice the guy. "Just like you called fairies, right?"

It was only five minutes into their visit to Connie's Diner, but the big dude wearing the beanie was already on Dean's radar. Big being relative considering his 'baby' brother was a tower of lean muscle and, well, he wasn't exactly Tiny Tim himself. But something about this guy read warrior...well, minus the part where he was possibly wearing eyeliner. And there was something exotic about him, which Dean was fairly certain had nothing to do with the fact that he was only the second black guy he'd spotted here in rural (and formerly-haunted) Mayberry 2.0.

" - knew was a fairy!"

Dean tuned back into the conversation when he heard Sam's indignant tone of voice.

"Bull crap," Dean replied, on instinct. It took him another second to recall what they'd been discussing before a steaming plate of fried goodness and Non-Human #1 had distracted him. "Come off it, Sam. You had no clue fairies actually existed, because what we were hunting wasn't actually a fairy."

Dean forced himself not to take another look at the reflection, but it was obvious the guy wasn't hiding the fact that he was listening in from two booth tables away, head cocked slightly in a calm, collected way. Almost too collected, as if he were listening to a particularly interesting news report on the local economy and not a discussion on the supernatural. Dean had seen that look before, specifically on the faces of things that were much older than they appeared.

Dean had a feeling Sam had noticed they were being spied on, too, but they'd played this game enough times, and his little brother went on with the conversation without missing a beat.

"But it could have been a fairy," Sam insisted. "You just don't want to admit that you and Dad were wrong to dismiss me so quickly. You guys gave me hell for a month after I suggested fairies were stealing those kids. I was thirteen, and you assumed I was just talking out of my ass, even though I did three quarters of the research back then. And I still do."

Dean had to give him that one. He snickered to himself, remembering Dad asking Sam if he'd spotted any wings on the spirit-possessed woman who was responsible for the kidnappings. And, if he was honest, he felt a little guilty about all the Tinkerbell related teasing. Not that he'd admit as much.

"Yeah, well..." Dean shrugged. "You laughed at me when I thought that werecat was a griffin."

"You didn't think it was a griffin. You said it was a chupacabra."

"Also real."

"In Maine?"

"Shut up. Not my fault that bitch was so ugly. I mean, damn, who knew werecats could go bald?"

Dean shot the reflection another glance and was granted a small smile of greeting by the face watching him back. Dean didn't acknowledge it, digging into his meal instead. Hell, his a-la-mode was melting all over his apple pie. Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Supernatural, much like his cheese fries, could wait until he was finished eating his pie.

Dean shoveled in a mouthful of sweet, buttery goodness. "Fine, I'll give you angels," he said, spitting a few crumbs back onto his plate. "But I think we can both agree that dragons were a little...unexpected. Hell, even you have to admit the chupacabra was less of a surprise."

Sam's expression shifted from mild disgust to slight outrage. "Dragons are mentioned in lore from all over the world, Dean. Yes, it was a surprise that they hadn't been killed out, but not that they existed. Chupacabras are a fairly recent invention, and I'm still pretty damn certain that wasn't what you killed in New Mexico."

"Think it was a fairy?"

"Kiss my ass, Dean."

"Sorry." He was smirking, never the less. "But did adult-you honestly think you'd find yourself hunting friggin' pixies and leprechauns?"

"Maybe?"

"Sam."

"Fine. No." He sighed, his voice a bit lower. "Frankly, even if I had been me at the time, I would have thought the alien story was just as feasible."

"Hey, Sammy, you think Martians have nipples?"

"That's what you took away from your first fairy encounter? Nipples."

"And microwaves. Can't get that image out of my mind. I've tried."

Sam shook his head. "It's kind of amazing... I mean, not the fairies themselves. But, dude, there are whole realms of fairies and other worlds and...just, it's crazy. Even for us. Do you think Dad knew about it?"

"Hell, who knows. Bobby didn't have much experience with them."

"You do realize that since you were abducted by them, you're probably the foremost expert in the hunting community."

"Pretty sure Charlie got to second base with one."

"You sure you didn't during your time away?"

Dean took a big swig of his drink, staring daggers over the rim of the glass. "You know, soulless you had an excuse for being a dick."

Sam bit down a grin, failing to look apologetic. "Sorry."

Dean shrugged it off. "Still, one of us should probably inform all those UFO chasing saps of the truth about little green men."

"Gray. And wait a sec." Sam raised a fork to cut off his reply. "Just because a leprechaun pretended to be an alien hunter and set up fake sightings doesn't mean there aren't real aliens. The universe is a big place."

"You really believe in purple people eaters?"

Sam dropped his utensil and crossed his arms over his chest. "Yeah, I think I might. In fact, I'm calling it. When you find out they're real, and considering our luck, you probably will, I'm going to say 'I told you so'."

"Well, you better hope they're not. All we need is another species of assholes trying to kill us."

"Perhaps all alien life will not wish to do you harm."

Dean didn't plan to admit it, but he jumped at the sound of the voice, quickly caught himself, then tried to look as if he'd known that beanie-guy was standing right at his shoulder. He didn't have to look across the table to know his brother was glaring up at the newcomer since he could almost feel Sam's tension. He'd put money on his brother already having a weapon out and aimed beneath the booth.

"Come again?" Dean asked, with a touch of how-dare-you-interrupt-my-pie annoyance, and used the distraction to quietly drop his fork and move his hand closer to the piece inside his jacket.

The strange man took another step, but not forward. He moved in front of the booth, hands down to his side, head cocked slightly as he kept his attention on the brothers. His body language couldn't have read 'I come in peace' more clearly if he'd been wearing a crown of flowers, but Dean couldn't shake his instinct that this guy was far from normal.

"While there are aggressive forces in the universe, most intelligent lifeforms do not kill for the sole purpose of killing." His solemn exterior fit his smooth tone of voice. One of the man's heavy brows rose, as if in thought. "Do you plan to instigate a violent reaction from species you have not yet encountered?"

While Dean usually was against looking away from a potential creature-feature, he couldn't help but share a glance with Sam. "Dude?"

"I have no clue," Sam confirmed.

So, Dean concluded, this weird ass conversation was actually happening and not a figment of his imagination. Nice to know.

"Usually, the fights come to us, big guy. What can I say, we're just lucky like that." Dean raised both brows, implying a 'hint-hint', but the man didn't take it.

"I believe I understand. My team encounters an unusual amount of misfortune as well, it would seem." He nodded once in Dean's direction. "Which is what has brought me here. If I am correct, I believe we have a common foe, and your expertise in their defeat would be greatly appreciated."

Another shared look between the Winchester brothers left both of them with bemused expressions. Dean's face quickly fell. "Ah, crap, you're not an angel, are you? Because I'm really sick of being in the middle of feuding angels."

"Dean!" Sam whispered.

"I am not. Nor am I familiar with their species," the stranger assured. "My name is Teal'c, and-"

"Murray!"

The shout came from the diner's bathroom door, and another man stumbled out in a hurry, drawing a disapproving glance from the waitress he nearly slammed into. He gave her a shy smile, trying to wave off the encounter and pass her. He made it through and stopped at Teal'c's (or Murray's or whoever's, Dean attempted to process) side. If Big, Dark, and Collected had an opposite, it was his buddy, the Nervous Professor.

"Uh, Murray," Nerdy said, catching his breath with an apprehensive chuckle. "You're, umm, mixing with the 's...wonderful. But we should probably be going so we can get back to that, uh, problem that we have."

"I believe I discovered the solution to our problem, Daniel Jackson."

"You..." Daniel Jackson paused, confused. "You did? Here?"

"I believe I have uncovered the lifeform responsible for transporting us to this reality."

Dean blinked. "Wait. What?"

Daniel Jackson blinked as well. Several times. "Umm, Murray, don't you think this discussion warrants privacy?"

"Unnecessary," Teal'c replied, politely brushing the man off. "Upon investigation, I have concluded our current adversaries to be fairy in origin. These men are hunters of fairy, and we should request their aid if we are to discover a means to defeating them."

"Hunters of..." Daniel simply stared for a few beats, looking down at the brothers, then back to his companion, as if waiting for the joke's conclusion. "Did you say fairy?"

"Yup," Sam and Dean chimed in, neither of them sounding particularly surprised.

"Indeed," Teal'c concluded.

Dean shook his head, taking another draw off his drink and hoping the small diner crowd wasn't listening in on their brand of crazy. "Sammy, our lives are weird."

But Sam's attention was elsewhere. He stared up at the pair, mouth agape. "Can we get back to the alien lifeform part?"

Dean rolled his eyes. He'd be hearing about this for months.

Prompt: "Sometime after "Clap You Hands If You Believe" (preferably also after Sam has his soul back), Sam and Dean are having a casual meal in a bar discussing fairies, angels and all of the things they thought weren't real and get into a heated discussion on whether aliens are real or not. Bonus points if someone like Murray (Teal'c), Mork, or someone from MIB, 3rd Rock from the Sun, Roswell, etc stops by their table for a brief moment."

End Notes: ^Somehow my 'bar' magically changed into a diner when I was editing this. Go figure.

Comments

Posted by: siennavie (siennavie)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 04:23 am (UTC)
Cookies!

Teal'c!!!! I'm stoked you mixed two of my biggest fandoms :D The banter between all the characters was delightful and the artwork made me grin. Nice work!

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 15th, 2014 07:57 pm (UTC)

Thanks! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I love these two fandoms way too much.

Posted by: zelda_addict (zelda_addict)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 05:47 am (UTC)

Their lives are weird indeed! XD Nice work with this.

The banner is great, too--I love the facial expressions!

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 03:38 am (UTC)
Vala OMG

Thanks! I'm glad you liked it. I have used that picture of Dean's expression in the banner during another Pretzel exchange, but it's such a perfect expression I couldn't help using it again, hehe. :D

Posted by: Melissa (Mo) (auntmo9)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 11:47 am (UTC)
Teal'c Indeed

Murray!!
This. Was.Awesome!
*smishes you*
I couldn't have asked for anything more perfect to go with the prompt and the art was wonderful!
I laughed so much at their conversation!
Thank you! Thank you!

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 03:58 am (UTC)
Vala OMG

That is the most perfect icon ;)

I'm so happy you enjoyed this and that it made you laugh. *success!* :D And thank you for the wonderful prompt to begin with, it was fun to write.

Posted by: Melissa (Mo) (auntmo9)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 06:02 pm (UTC)
Evil Aunt Mo Vala

I have a few SG-1 icons. I even had someone make me my own special one :D

Posted by: milly_gal (milly_gal)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 01:30 pm (UTC)

SPN/SG1 x-over! That alone wins you cookies, but this made me chuckle so hard! Anf the art's beautifully fun. Brilliant hun!

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 03:59 am (UTC)

Thank you (for the cookies)! There aren't enough SPN/SG-1 in the world, in my opinion ;)

Posted by: milly_gal (milly_gal)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 08:10 am (UTC)

It's a valid opinion, one I whole-heartedly back up and second :)

Posted by: Dizzojay's Dean Dreams (dizzojay)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 01:37 pm (UTC)

Ah, I loved this, such a hilarious discussion that only our lovely boys could have; Dean's preoccupation with fairy nipples was gold!
I've never seen SG so I'm not familiar with the characters but thoroughly enjoyed this nonetheless.
The art was wonderful too :-)

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 04:25 am (UTC)

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it, even though you haven't seen SG before. One thing SG has in common with SPN is that they both have a few crackish episodes. :D I had to actually edit out a few more nipple puns from the original draft.

Posted by: gateslacker (gateslacker)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 01:50 pm (UTC)
spngoauld

Wheeeeeeee! It is so nice to see my two all-time favorite shows in a crossover fic! The banter was spot on and made me chuckle.

Awesome!

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 04:25 am (UTC)

That is a wonderful icon, heehee. Thanks for reading, and I'm glad this made you laugh. :D

Posted by: San Antonio Rose (ramblin_rosie)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 05:33 pm (UTC)

Indeed.

XD LOVE this! Only Teal'c would walk into a conversation that weird with that level of total aplomb--and of course Daniel would freak out that Teal'c was about to talk too much. And only Sam and Dean could have an honest-to-goodness alien walk into their conversation about fairies!
(Would love to see more, if there is more....)

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 04:29 am (UTC)

Heehee, I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks Teal'c could have had this conversation in canon. Thanks for reading! :D I don't have more at the moment, but I can totally see myself expanding this into a long story one day. I'll probably happen after I have a SG-1 marathon during a SPN hiatus...

Posted by: mamapranayama (mamapranayama)
Posted at: May 11th, 2014 08:27 pm (UTC)

I love it!!!! SPN and SG1 FTW!

Teal'c trying to explain to Daniel that fairies were their problem was priceless. I wish there was more to this story.

Great job!

Posted by: twisted_slinky (twisted_slinky)
Posted at: May 16th, 2014 04:30 am (UTC)

It warms my fangirl heart to see so many people who love both SPN and SG1. Just proves that we have great taste in tv shows ;) I'm very tempted to write a long story based on this same premise (because, fairies, why not?). Thanks for reading!

Posted by: JagfanLJ (jagfanlj)
Posted at: February 16th, 2017 08:01 am (UTC)
Confuzzled

SPN + SG1 = PURE.GOLD. You win the interwebs!!

I've read a lot of SG1/NCIS, but this is my first SG1/SPN. Your characters are spot-on, and the cracky plot is perfectly plausible given the peculiar nature of the two shows.

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